And when it gets harder, I'm sheltered in his love.. (5 March 2009)

Human beings are mostly scared of their own feelings, they are afraid because they are bound to the fact that only things they are in touch with are the only things that could hurt them, but this is so wrong. What lies beneath our many layers of flesh and what we burry deep within and refuse to show or speak of, eats us slowly at the very same time that we think we’re in control. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. You only feel your strength in the experience of pain. As a human being you have the right to get hurt, be fixed and feel the relief in the end. You should stand up for your right to feel your own pain!

Scars are like people the uglier they are, the deeper they are. And the uglier they are the less they seek for attention. And maybe because the deeper the scar is the harder it is to see it, it’s not to be noticed at all; we’ve come to the realization that the hardest scars to cure are those which we can not see, only feel. Being a very emotional person, I know that as small the thing I’m going through could be, it puts me through a series of emotions that I know if you’re lucky in life you’d only imagine.
Maybe looking at me you can hardly tell how scarred I’ve been, for he stole my pain away. “You are the cause and you are the cure” that’s what I’ve always been telling him. I thought he could see through me and that was enough for me to fall in love with him, but he was seeing into me… all along. We’ve been through hell to finally find our way to heaven, and now we can not ask for more.

Love is not the only reason why relationships stand up and make it to forever. A human mind is just not mature enough to have this as a first thought and work on developing it. They have always been telling me that love is all about forgetting and forgiving other’s mistakes. As if that was the key behind many successful relationships and marriages, but that’s what people ONLY see. Because if you love too much and forget every mistake that also could weaken or worse, destroy a strong relationship. Love is not enough, it never is. The secret of having an everlasting relationship is to trust the one you’re with and accept his/her weaknesses or mistakes. Acceptance and forgiveness. It’s not how many times you’ve forgiven, but how many times you’ve shown understanding.

I was never scared to show him that I loved him, I knew it was strong enough it could kill me if I kept it inside, I didn’t want tender feelings to turn into feelings of rejection and pain. But it was too much to bear at some points that I had to shut up and keep it all to myself. And the times my friends pushed me to talk, I knew that it wouldn’t help much for there were no verbal outlet for my feelings, I was and still am very grateful though.
I kept it inside thinking I was in control like this, but as previously mentioned I was so wrong.
He hurt me bad, the scar seemed never-fading. He hurt me, I wished I could hate him sometimes. And the sad fact that people are to be broken in several ways hit me. It is something that nobody tells you when you’re young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow old, but in your life you see people break, one after the other and all you have to do is wonder when will your turn be or if it’s already happened. But again he proved me wrong, he was there at the side of the road, after I believed that it’s already happened to show me that he could fix me, that pieces could fit back together and that the glue could take it’s time to dry.
I’m not saying that this is the typical case scenario. Some relationships are not worth being understanding or forgiving at all, some should just be a memory that fades by time, because for a moment in your life you’d smile when you feel like crying, you’d act like you’re okay when you’re falling apart inside and you’ll let things go because it’s the only way to experience your pain and let things go. You’d test your strength as well, because it is of ultimate maturity to put it together when everyone would understand if you fall apart.

What I’m saying is that being understanding, accepting and forgiving in the end is what saves the day, for it gets harder than this. Somewhere another person is experiencing the same exact feeling you’re going through and someone would consider themselves lucky if their pain could only be compared to yours. All you have to do is to be able to tie a string of recognition to your pain and nurse yourself back to a happy existence, and if you didn’t, someone who understands certainly will.

I accepted, understood and forgave, and he was the one. The one who doesn’t mind if I wear shoes or sneakers, wear jumpers or designer tops, would show me off to the whole world even if I’m just out of bed, the one who will guide me back to his heart when I lose my way if he let me lose it in first place. The one who’d be there to tell me “it’s alright” when he could say “I told you so”.

Love was just a word until he put it to definition; the best will always be yet to come :)


by: Nesma Nafea

P.S: I love my girls <3